Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This house was built for laser tag.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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