is your mom at the bar?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
