Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
