I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
