a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
