Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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