I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
