My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
