don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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