I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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