Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
