Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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