I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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