i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
