I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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