I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
