i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize
