He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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