I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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