Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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