I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
