Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
