Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
