Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
