Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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