His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
time to smoke my breakfast
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder