I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
