hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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