Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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