Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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