I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
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