omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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