he shaved USA in his pubs
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
