She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
