Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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