when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
