you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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