I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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