I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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