He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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