No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
