I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I am mentally ready for anal.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
