I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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