I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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