i think my mom watched the whole time
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
