Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful