i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
