When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
