I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
