apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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