nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
