it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We got so high we made milksteak
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
