porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
