all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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