my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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