Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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