haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
